Confessions.

Not sure how many days it has even been, but what a mess. It got a lot worse and I 'replased' the day before yesterday, drinking a bottle of wine. In all honesty, I was still detoxing - since my normal alcohol intake is more like 8-11oz of straight vodka per day, sipping wine didn't do shit. Well, mentally it helped, but physically, I just felt like more ass the next morning. By the end of the next day, I found another bottle and drank that too - again, stupid to do, didn't get a buzz, etc. And last night, after not drinking for maybe 18 hours, my heart was beating so hard and I couldn't breathe. I had been sweating all day/night and shook and shook. I got really desperate and drank this DISGUSTING sweet VERMOUTH. It's almost 20% alcohol, so after a few big sips, I finally got my heart rate down and put it away. I know that due to all of these little, 'cheats', I cannot say I'm sober, but I know for a fact, I am still detoxing, 2oz of vermouth or not. I almost threw up a few times last night, my Mom got so worried she gave me two of her Xanax (only 0.25mgs) - she NEVER does that for me, so that was nice of her. I hadn't eaten since FRIDAY, and yesterday was Thursday. Once I took that Xanax and a few sips of vermouth I finally, finally, finally got myself to eat and drink some water. I am not justifying it, I feel guilty - but today is a new day. I actually woke up this AM and still felt hungry, so that has to be good.

Part II of my confession - I got a new pair of contacts out of their box last night, and inside, I found a piece of plastic with 4-5 NEW strips of one of my old Fent patches. I nearly fell over. I hadn't had any pain meds in days and days and was losing it. I immediatly put two smaller strips in my cheek and within 20 min I started sweating and almost vomited. I guess my tolerance has already gone down, so that freaked me. I cut the patch pieces in 1/2 (they r already small, but apparently not small enough!). I intend to use them when needed, they won't last until Nov. 11th, but at least it's like a tiny "crutch". I guess similar to knowing that I have/had that vermouth, even though I am going to try REALLY hard not to drink it again. We'll see.

I haven't been outside in days. I sweat constantly and it's disgusting. I spent most of yesterday laying on the floor in my Mom's (home) office, just crying and feeling like dying. So if I feel like that AFTER having wine the night before, what happens when I go 24, 36, 48 hrs without A DROP? Will I get sick all over? I'd  kill for my DOC (vodka). But then again, it's more like vodka would kill ME. And I'd prob go crazy and get drunk fast and then be sick. Withdrawing from daily alcohol and 3.5 years of DAILY pain meds, is a double-whammy that I knew would suck, but not this bad. And again, I even cheated a little, so how the f*ck do people do this with ZERO assistance? It's almost a suicidal feeling b/c you feel SOOOOOOOO nasty.


I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting today. I'll kind of feel like a cheat, esp since I'm sure I'll bring a tiny piece of Fent with me to make it out.But those will be gone soon, so I might as well go and listen to these AA ppl, so that I can cope. I really don't want to cheat again, esp with the vermouth, not even an ounce....but I digress...I'm an addict, so I can't say I won't. I also feel like there is no way I'm not just gonna go pick up that huge bottle of Vicodin on the 11th. If I make it that far, maybe I won't want to. But I also hate living in pain and can't stand for more than an hour, which makes life suck too...

Oh, what a mess I've made of my life.

Thank God I'm still here though. There are a few things I do know. Today, I won't be drunk. And today, I won't be popping 4-5 Vicodin 3x's a day, like I was doing. Maybe next week I can say even better things.

I spent about 4 hours a night on the phone with a friend of mine, for the past 3 nights. He is so great to me, he is really pulling for me. He's like 50, so he is more of a Dad to me, since mine is 1200 miles away. He is quitting smoking as of last night - that was the promise we had. The day I quit drinking, he had to quit smoking. I wonder if he'll do it. I took him that I cheated with the vermouth, but he is still quitting, he says....