Xanax.

So, I came into a handful of 0.25mg's. Just took 3. That'll be 0.75.....just under a mg. I really hope it helps. I have an awful headache above my left eye, and I feel EXTREMELY IRATE. No one is even home, and I want to throw something or punch someone. I crave the Vicodin so badly, it hurts my head. My tooth is aching now too (filling fell out last week). NO appetite.

Just poured a shot and a drink, to down with these Xanax. I hope I feel something.  I have realized now, how desperate I am just to get 'high'. There may no longer be pain killers in the house, but dammit if I won't find SOMETHING to 'feel'. Wow. I really am fucked up.

The Xanax will be missed come tomorrow or the next day, I may even lose my place to live, from taking them...but I needed it. Too shaky, too sick and icky to NOT take them....I feel bad, but I need it. Sowwee.

Not sure if tonight will fly or not. Supposed to have guy friend over. With the Xanax, I can probably keep myself "normal" (I hope?). Was gonna grill steak - sad when I realized there is none. *sigh*. Would have been a small pleasure in an otherwise SHIT DAY. I hope I make it through this. Well...I have to make it. I don't get my refill till Nov 11th, which might as well be 2 years away, b/c I will have fully detoxed by then, as that is 20 days away (LOL!!! You gotta be kidding me). At least I will get high as hell when I take those first 4. That I know. I at least, during the darkest hours to come, can look forward to that.

Wow, again - I am really messed up with this thinking pattern. I should fully detox and then never touch them again. My addict mind doesn't care tho.....damn it.