11:42pm

My happy mind......my happy mind SAYS...

I will find JOY in things tomorrow. Those 3 Vicodin you took last night, is only 18-20mg. IT's nothing. You felt HAPPY b/c u WERE happy in your mind.

I wasn't that high. I was taking fake effects....It was BS. Drinking that grapefruit juice and stuff, that was bogus..I was striving for those effectrs

I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW I FELT....IN MY HOUSE.....IN PLANO.....ON CHRISPHTOPER LANE, WITH MY BIG BATHROOM....MY BIG BATHROOM.....HOW GOOOD I FELT. NO PILLS MICHELLE. NO PILLS. YOU FLEW ACROSSS THE WORLD NO PILLS. YOU HAD DESIRE. NO PILLS. NO MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING NO PILLS. TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NO PILLS. TOMORROW GET STARTED NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A DATE FOR NEXT WEEK NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A 2ND DATE FOR NEXT WEEK, NO PILLS. SET THOSE DATES, GET THAT MONEY, SET YOUR ASS STRAIGHT. BURY HER IN COURT AND GET YOUR OWN SHIT STRAIGHT. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. BURY HER BURY HER BURY HER. PROVE HER WRONG. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG AND SHE KNOWS IT. THATS WHY SHE GETS SO ANGRY. SHE KNOWS SHE RUINED 3 LIVES....3 LIVES   3 LIVES! SHE KNOWS.

Had to release that anger.

It is now 11:49pm. I hope I am not coming down to much. I know I am. Do not want to. Last few minues? Alreasdy took a few month ounces of vodka - NO FOOD in tummy, none, all day/ I'll be sick if I dont eat....gotta eat.......HOPE  I FIND HAPINESS IN FOOD, LOVE FROM MY THAI, and (MAYBE) somone will be reading this??? If not, I hope to read over it MYSELF, and talk  myself through the withdrawal. I've never withdrawed from opiates alone. Benzos ' (xanax and Klonopin, did it alone, not NEARLY AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS), withdrew off 10mg Methadone, no issues whatsoever...also withdrew off cocaine/meth back in 2004, and GHb in 2005 (believe it or not, only had to be hospilizied for GHB/alcohol). Coming off coke/meth is safe, but you will feel like ass. Coming off GHB (if you rake a cap every hour like I was going..), or coming off 1 Liter per day of vodha (again, I was being a complete dumbass). - Seek medical attention.


Alcohol and GHB are the only 2 drugs you can DIE from (doing an at-home withdrawal). Herion or pain pills....welcome to my blog. You won't die; but you will WANT TO DIE. I just took my last 3 Vicodin. I will be welcoming death come the morning.....esp since I took 2 or 3 extra shots of vodka to deal with my nervousness. On an empty stomach. I will probably hate life. No pills to "cure" me.

At least I have my 25mg of Phenergan. I will have that next to me. In case I feel ill. I may need it.

Who do I think I kid? I'll take it. It messes you up, a little. Make u tired.

I'll take it w/ my Topral. (my BP med). FML FML FML FMLFML

It's now bout midnight.  I do not want to think about when I took those 3 vic's. And if I do, I want to keep pointint out to MYSELF...those 3 vics did NOT help u, You only helt better BECAUSE you "thought" you woudl feel better".'

i sincerely do believe that a lot of my issues are brought on by myself. my pain is real, however, i bet it is not desrving of 15 vicodin per day. *lightbulb*
since this may be the last happy post i make..................i love my cat. she is so sweet, and i hope to be able to enjoy time with her, just watching her. so many great movies to watch. so many TV shows i meant to watch but didnt. if i need to lock the door, i will. i will get thru this; this is TEMPORARY. i wll LEAD A LIFE WITHOUT ADDICTION. tonight was my 1st step.

i only took a few shots more. tomottow will be A-OK. lets do it!!

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