As if things couldn't get worse...

I lost all communication on my Mac. This sent me into the living room....bored...where I encountered my Mother, who was already drunk on 1/2 a bottle of wine. She proceeded to beat the dead horse (on MANY topics), and then say, (WORD FOR WORD), "I don't love you". Yep. . she said it.

 I just took 1 of 2 shots I had laid out for tonight. I also squeezed 1/2 a grapefruit, (for the fresh juice, whick will should potientate my LAST 3.5 Vicodin).

That's right - before I could even properly introduce you (or, MYSELF at a later date), to the hell I am about to experience, it comes to me first.

I've been taking 10-15 of these 7.5mg Hydrocodone's per day. And BEFORE you roll your eyes - yes, I have been on OxyContin, Fentanyl, etc for the past 2 yrs. I finally got onto 10mg Methadone tablets (this is all presecribed for my spinal deformaty). 10mg of Methadone was a lifesaver. Seriously. I HATE that my Dr put me back on Vicodin. 7.5mg why?????? Even 5mg Methadone per day was GREAT. No high whatsoever, but it help me out of pain, and my 1month of meds lasted me FOUR months.

Now, I am in the hell otherwise known as VICODIN. I was given my monthly supply on October 13th.  On October 13th, they handed me 120 pills.

Today is October 20th. Almost October 21st. So, give or take, 120 pills lasted me 8 days.......Yeah, sounds crazy to (most) people....but I know there are people out there who understand...these amounts sound insane, but they are very real. I had to take 3-5 pills to feel ANYTHING, so I was taking that amount 3-4times per day (9-15 pills per day).

I have 3 pills left, almost 3.5. I actually am staring at them now. My last dose was at noon. It's now 10pm.....my last 3 pills have been TAUNTING ME.

I CURSE THEM. I feel psycho, looking at them......why why why..why cant I just have 1 more days worth? Just one. Ok, just 1/2  a day. Just ONE DOSE!!!! Just enough to "feel it". Please? I'd probably make a deal with the GODDAMN DEVIL right now.

Which, apparently - I am doing. I am staring at it. 3 pills....plus a tiny mound of dust, amounting to maybe 1/8 of a pill. I LITERALLY squeezed fresh grapejuice out of a REAL grapefruit, as that is supposed to heighten the high. INSANE, since there really hasnt been a high lately. At all. My dosing got too high.

It's over. I know I will take these 3 soon. I will feel the world CAVE IN ON ME when I do. I will have no 'excited, butterflies in the stomach' feeling, the way i did, when i woke up, and knew that within a few min, i was gonna poppa some pills and feel HIGH AS HELL.

Now, I will feel pain. Nausea, headaches......who will want to wake uP?????????