Not sure how many days it has even been, but what a mess. It got a lot worse and I 'replased' the day before yesterday, drinking a bottle of wine. In all honesty, I was still detoxing - since my normal alcohol intake is more like 8-11oz of straight vodka per day, sipping wine didn't do shit. Well, mentally it helped, but physically, I just felt like more ass the next morning. By the end of the next day, I found another bottle and drank that too - again, stupid to do, didn't get a buzz, etc. And last night, after not drinking for maybe 18 hours, my heart was beating so hard and I couldn't breathe. I had been sweating all day/night and shook and shook. I got really desperate and drank this DISGUSTING sweet VERMOUTH. It's almost 20% alcohol, so after a few big sips, I finally got my heart rate down and put it away. I know that due to all of these little, 'cheats', I cannot say I'm sober, but I know for a fact, I am still detoxing, 2oz of vermouth or not. I almost threw up a few times last night, my Mom got so worried she gave me two of her Xanax (only 0.25mgs) - she NEVER does that for me, so that was nice of her. I hadn't eaten since FRIDAY, and yesterday was Thursday. Once I took that Xanax and a few sips of vermouth I finally, finally, finally got myself to eat and drink some water. I am not justifying it, I feel guilty - but today is a new day. I actually woke up this AM and still felt hungry, so that has to be good.
Part II of my confession - I got a new pair of contacts out of their box last night, and inside, I found a piece of plastic with 4-5 NEW strips of one of my old Fent patches. I nearly fell over. I hadn't had any pain meds in days and days and was losing it. I immediatly put two smaller strips in my cheek and within 20 min I started sweating and almost vomited. I guess my tolerance has already gone down, so that freaked me. I cut the patch pieces in 1/2 (they r already small, but apparently not small enough!). I intend to use them when needed, they won't last until Nov. 11th, but at least it's like a tiny "crutch". I guess similar to knowing that I have/had that vermouth, even though I am going to try REALLY hard not to drink it again. We'll see.
I haven't been outside in days. I sweat constantly and it's disgusting. I spent most of yesterday laying on the floor in my Mom's (home) office, just crying and feeling like dying. So if I feel like that AFTER having wine the night before, what happens when I go 24, 36, 48 hrs without A DROP? Will I get sick all over? I'd kill for my DOC (vodka). But then again, it's more like vodka would kill ME. And I'd prob go crazy and get drunk fast and then be sick. Withdrawing from daily alcohol and 3.5 years of DAILY pain meds, is a double-whammy that I knew would suck, but not this bad. And again, I even cheated a little, so how the f*ck do people do this with ZERO assistance? It's almost a suicidal feeling b/c you feel SOOOOOOOO nasty.
I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting today. I'll kind of feel like a cheat, esp since I'm sure I'll bring a tiny piece of Fent with me to make it out.But those will be gone soon, so I might as well go and listen to these AA ppl, so that I can cope. I really don't want to cheat again, esp with the vermouth, not even an ounce....but I digress...I'm an addict, so I can't say I won't. I also feel like there is no way I'm not just gonna go pick up that huge bottle of Vicodin on the 11th. If I make it that far, maybe I won't want to. But I also hate living in pain and can't stand for more than an hour, which makes life suck too...
Oh, what a mess I've made of my life.
Thank God I'm still here though. There are a few things I do know. Today, I won't be drunk. And today, I won't be popping 4-5 Vicodin 3x's a day, like I was doing. Maybe next week I can say even better things.
I spent about 4 hours a night on the phone with a friend of mine, for the past 3 nights. He is so great to me, he is really pulling for me. He's like 50, so he is more of a Dad to me, since mine is 1200 miles away. He is quitting smoking as of last night - that was the promise we had. The day I quit drinking, he had to quit smoking. I wonder if he'll do it. I took him that I cheated with the vermouth, but he is still quitting, he says....
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
DAZED.
Last 2 days...total daze. Haven't eaten since Friday.
I guess I made some phone calls during the night but do not recall. I believe I AM hallucinating. I can't walk straight (hitting walls, ect), and I have slept for hours and hours and hours...........don't want to be here.
This is the first time since 2009 that my body has been clean of pills AND booze. I want to die.
I guess I made some phone calls during the night but do not recall. I believe I AM hallucinating. I can't walk straight (hitting walls, ect), and I have slept for hours and hours and hours...........don't want to be here.
This is the first time since 2009 that my body has been clean of pills AND booze. I want to die.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Yawn. Sneeze. Yawn. Sneeze. Repeat.
Wow, I just woke up again from a deep sleep (did NOT take any Xanax and had barely drank). It's 7pm......crazy how much I am sleeping these past 36 hours. I know some of it was due to those doses of Xanax, even though they would be considered small to most people (0.75mg the first time, 0.50 the second time).
I've been sneezing like hell - I think I remember reading somewhere that that is part of w/d. Stuffy/runny nose. But mainly just that URGE to PUNCH my LEGS. They are restless as hell, and make me wanna saw them off (promise I won't). Awoke just now, wanting to murder my right leg. Some tension in my arms. Still no appetite whatsoever, which sucks, bc my stomach and whole system needs food. No water either. I've drank (watered down) alcohol throughout this W/D, I think that has kept me sane. In fact, it's time for some more watery rum/Coke. I drink it watered down, b/c the LAST THING I NEED is a hangover, on top of W/D.
I highly recommend some watered down alcohol though - it does, I repeat, DOES help. And of course, Xanax, if you can get it. Even a small dose, like what I mentioned, (0.5mg even).
It's getting dark now...that means nightfall is on it's way, and tomorrow will be Monday. With my last substainstal dose of Vicodin being at 11pm on Fri night, I wonder if by Monday, I will have the worst gone?
I now hear the garage door opening. No longer will I have the house to myself. Xanax will soon be found 'missing', and I wonder if I will have a place to sleep tonight...(tomorrow?). At least I got through these 36-48 hours....I hope to God this was the tough part????
I've been sneezing like hell - I think I remember reading somewhere that that is part of w/d. Stuffy/runny nose. But mainly just that URGE to PUNCH my LEGS. They are restless as hell, and make me wanna saw them off (promise I won't). Awoke just now, wanting to murder my right leg. Some tension in my arms. Still no appetite whatsoever, which sucks, bc my stomach and whole system needs food. No water either. I've drank (watered down) alcohol throughout this W/D, I think that has kept me sane. In fact, it's time for some more watery rum/Coke. I drink it watered down, b/c the LAST THING I NEED is a hangover, on top of W/D.
I highly recommend some watered down alcohol though - it does, I repeat, DOES help. And of course, Xanax, if you can get it. Even a small dose, like what I mentioned, (0.5mg even).
It's getting dark now...that means nightfall is on it's way, and tomorrow will be Monday. With my last substainstal dose of Vicodin being at 11pm on Fri night, I wonder if by Monday, I will have the worst gone?
I now hear the garage door opening. No longer will I have the house to myself. Xanax will soon be found 'missing', and I wonder if I will have a place to sleep tonight...(tomorrow?). At least I got through these 36-48 hours....I hope to God this was the tough part????
Day 2..almost over.
I need a shower, badly. I feel disgusting, yet I don't think I have the energy. I just made myself a sandwich in the kitchen, and even though I haven't eaten since early Friday (today is Sunday...4pm), I STILL am not hungry :( The cold air coming out of the fridge made me shake, and I wanted to kick something...the anger is back. I need a shot, or something. The anger is unreal - the craving for a high. I REALLY don't want food....but who goes from Fri til Sun without any fuel? Should I make myself eat? I wanna barf. Yet, there would nothing TO barf.....do I sleep more? I'm sweating like crazy.
OMG...
I just read some of the things I posted on Friday night, after I took those last 3 pills and washed them down with like...10oz of vodka.
I had no idea how utterly random and insane I sounded. Ouch. Embarrassing to read that. :-(
I had no idea how utterly random and insane I sounded. Ouch. Embarrassing to read that. :-(
By the way...
I haven't showered in......days. And I still wanna punch the sh*t outta my legs, esp my right leg. I'm also sweating like no one's business. Sexy, eh????
Wow...
I took my last real dose at 11pm on Friday night. So I am going on 48 hours. Holy hell, I really don't wish this on ANYONE, although it's not a, "call 911" issue, as I thought it would be. I did find that 1.5 pills on Sat morning...not sure if that even helped, but I tried to keep some pieces in my mouth during the afternoon.
(negliatable).
I had plans for last night (Sat night) - yeah right. I took 3 of those 0.25 mg Xanax around 3 or 4pm, and did not wake up until 8:45pm!!!!!!!!!!! Unreal. I NEVER sleep for more than 1-2 hours, even with my pils and alcohol. I ALWAYS WAKE UP. This time, no game....literally. I miss my dinner date - tried to call the guy, he never answered. Maybe he thinks I blew him off. Even tried this afternoon...no answer.
Aside from that, when I did awaken at 8:45pm, I thought I also had missed my big game..OU vs Texas Tech..the universe must've been working FOR me...b/c lo and behold...there was a rain delay, and the instead of starting at 7:15pm, it started RIGHT when I woke up (8:45pm). I watched some, then hit DVR, and passed back out.
FITFUL sleep...had to pop another 0.50mg Xanax. I tossed, (LITERALLY tossed, swinging back and forth, between no sheet, sheets, heavy comforter, NO comforter...could NOT decide if I was freezing or sweating...ALLLLLLL night).. Had 2 fans on me, then 1, then none, then 2. BE PREPARED. Do not attempt to detox off 3 years of contant pain medication to ZERO, without some Xanax, a full weekend of NOTHING to do, and ALCOHOL to stop the shakes and anxiety. I probably drank 2-4oz of vodka every few hours. However, I did not feel "drunk" at any point, it only "evened" me out.
The arm/leg twiches are the worst. I literally sucker-punched my (right leg especially, throughtout the night. So doped up from the Xanax (I have zero benzo tolerance mind you, if you do have a Benzo tolerance, plan to double or triple your dose of that). I have not eaten in 2,5 days, other than some pieces of beef jerky and 2 bites of a TV dinner (YUCK). I assume this is normal.
I do NOT handle caffiene (cannot even managae a Coca-Cola without getting nervous), but I have downed 2 of those Bayer Aspirin Crystal packets - each containing 65mg caffeine). After the first, I still conked out. Just took a 2nd and thats prob why I am finally lucid enough to type.
Still home alone....Mother will be home later, with her cheesy, disgusting boyfriend, who is staying overnight. I am upset about this, as I am not sure how night #2 will go. I have three 0,25 xanax left....and even though I know that I will pay dearly for 'stealing' those, I had/have no choice. I MUST get through this - this has been 3 straight years of DAILY vicodin, perc, Fent, Oxy.........I am doing something HUGE right now.....so, I disgress...
ANOTHER 24hrs, and perhaps I will stop beating the shit out of my "jumpy" limbs. No diherrra yet, thankGod. Actually PAIN is not bad as expected. Those Bayer crystals help I think.....
My GOD, if I can do this, you can too....
(negliatable).
I had plans for last night (Sat night) - yeah right. I took 3 of those 0.25 mg Xanax around 3 or 4pm, and did not wake up until 8:45pm!!!!!!!!!!! Unreal. I NEVER sleep for more than 1-2 hours, even with my pils and alcohol. I ALWAYS WAKE UP. This time, no game....literally. I miss my dinner date - tried to call the guy, he never answered. Maybe he thinks I blew him off. Even tried this afternoon...no answer.
Aside from that, when I did awaken at 8:45pm, I thought I also had missed my big game..OU vs Texas Tech..the universe must've been working FOR me...b/c lo and behold...there was a rain delay, and the instead of starting at 7:15pm, it started RIGHT when I woke up (8:45pm). I watched some, then hit DVR, and passed back out.
FITFUL sleep...had to pop another 0.50mg Xanax. I tossed, (LITERALLY tossed, swinging back and forth, between no sheet, sheets, heavy comforter, NO comforter...could NOT decide if I was freezing or sweating...ALLLLLLL night).. Had 2 fans on me, then 1, then none, then 2. BE PREPARED. Do not attempt to detox off 3 years of contant pain medication to ZERO, without some Xanax, a full weekend of NOTHING to do, and ALCOHOL to stop the shakes and anxiety. I probably drank 2-4oz of vodka every few hours. However, I did not feel "drunk" at any point, it only "evened" me out.
The arm/leg twiches are the worst. I literally sucker-punched my (right leg especially, throughtout the night. So doped up from the Xanax (I have zero benzo tolerance mind you, if you do have a Benzo tolerance, plan to double or triple your dose of that). I have not eaten in 2,5 days, other than some pieces of beef jerky and 2 bites of a TV dinner (YUCK). I assume this is normal.
I do NOT handle caffiene (cannot even managae a Coca-Cola without getting nervous), but I have downed 2 of those Bayer Aspirin Crystal packets - each containing 65mg caffeine). After the first, I still conked out. Just took a 2nd and thats prob why I am finally lucid enough to type.
Still home alone....Mother will be home later, with her cheesy, disgusting boyfriend, who is staying overnight. I am upset about this, as I am not sure how night #2 will go. I have three 0,25 xanax left....and even though I know that I will pay dearly for 'stealing' those, I had/have no choice. I MUST get through this - this has been 3 straight years of DAILY vicodin, perc, Fent, Oxy.........I am doing something HUGE right now.....so, I disgress...
ANOTHER 24hrs, and perhaps I will stop beating the shit out of my "jumpy" limbs. No diherrra yet, thankGod. Actually PAIN is not bad as expected. Those Bayer crystals help I think.....
My GOD, if I can do this, you can too....
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Xanax.
So, I came into a handful of 0.25mg's. Just took 3. That'll be 0.75.....just under a mg. I really hope it helps. I have an awful headache above my left eye, and I feel EXTREMELY IRATE. No one is even home, and I want to throw something or punch someone. I crave the Vicodin so badly, it hurts my head. My tooth is aching now too (filling fell out last week). NO appetite.
Just poured a shot and a drink, to down with these Xanax. I hope I feel something. I have realized now, how desperate I am just to get 'high'. There may no longer be pain killers in the house, but dammit if I won't find SOMETHING to 'feel'. Wow. I really am fucked up.
The Xanax will be missed come tomorrow or the next day, I may even lose my place to live, from taking them...but I needed it. Too shaky, too sick and icky to NOT take them....I feel bad, but I need it. Sowwee.
Not sure if tonight will fly or not. Supposed to have guy friend over. With the Xanax, I can probably keep myself "normal" (I hope?). Was gonna grill steak - sad when I realized there is none. *sigh*. Would have been a small pleasure in an otherwise SHIT DAY. I hope I make it through this. Well...I have to make it. I don't get my refill till Nov 11th, which might as well be 2 years away, b/c I will have fully detoxed by then, as that is 20 days away (LOL!!! You gotta be kidding me). At least I will get high as hell when I take those first 4. That I know. I at least, during the darkest hours to come, can look forward to that.
Wow, again - I am really messed up with this thinking pattern. I should fully detox and then never touch them again. My addict mind doesn't care tho.....damn it.
Just poured a shot and a drink, to down with these Xanax. I hope I feel something. I have realized now, how desperate I am just to get 'high'. There may no longer be pain killers in the house, but dammit if I won't find SOMETHING to 'feel'. Wow. I really am fucked up.
The Xanax will be missed come tomorrow or the next day, I may even lose my place to live, from taking them...but I needed it. Too shaky, too sick and icky to NOT take them....I feel bad, but I need it. Sowwee.
Not sure if tonight will fly or not. Supposed to have guy friend over. With the Xanax, I can probably keep myself "normal" (I hope?). Was gonna grill steak - sad when I realized there is none. *sigh*. Would have been a small pleasure in an otherwise SHIT DAY. I hope I make it through this. Well...I have to make it. I don't get my refill till Nov 11th, which might as well be 2 years away, b/c I will have fully detoxed by then, as that is 20 days away (LOL!!! You gotta be kidding me). At least I will get high as hell when I take those first 4. That I know. I at least, during the darkest hours to come, can look forward to that.
Wow, again - I am really messed up with this thinking pattern. I should fully detox and then never touch them again. My addict mind doesn't care tho.....damn it.
Almost lunchtime.
Made it to noon (almosr). Just found several pieces that had been stuck under my bed or on carpet. I can still taste medicine, so I know there is enough. I feel better, mentally, knowing they are in my mouth and are giving me SOMETHING. Still have 25mg Phenergan for tonight or tomorrow, or whenever.
Was such a rough night/early morning, with Mom drunk and she told me, "I just don't love you."
WHO tells her daughter that? If she only knew what I go through...... She is a bad person, I do believe...
Was such a rough night/early morning, with Mom drunk and she told me, "I just don't love you."
WHO tells her daughter that? If she only knew what I go through...... She is a bad person, I do believe...
Tonight.
As always, I have GREAT timing. I should have set aside a dose (Even my last), for tonight, but nooooo....I just love to do things the hard way. I am having a guy over tonight - we've known each other for years and have seen seeing each other randomly since last year. Just last week, we started going out and spending time together 2-3x's a week ----- something I've wanted for a long time. I hope I am handling things OK. I feel OK now. Maybe I should sleep more? I need to eat. I barely ate yesterday. I still find my mind wandering...want to keep 'searching' for pills I hid. I Think I found them all. *sigh*. I can do this. Plus, I need to keep in mind...I get a whole new bottle on 11/11. Maybe I'll take THOSE responsibily! Doubtful tho..I never have control...
Morning. Day 1.
I woke up at 630am, scared and sick. I drank extra last night, wanting to perk up those last pills. It worked, but I have a bit of a hangover. Haven't had a hangover in weeks...actually, MONTHS. This morning was not AS bad as I thought tho, I FOUND 1.5 pills and immediatly took that + 25mg of Phenergan. I also have my pieces in my mouth. So, mentally, I am OK. Watching some favorite shows online...may even eat. I recommend a dose of Phenergan (for nausea), and 1 or 2 pills TO PUT ASIDE for morning #1, for those of you who decide to get off pills......it made me feel better, probably most MENTALLY, since I'm sure 1.5 pills doesn't do much as far as W/D....Mentally tho, it helped ease my fear. I also made a drink this AM, to stave off that hangover. GO small tho. 1-2 oz.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Scared to Sleep.
It's 12:33am.
I was writing too fast and too crazy - I do not feel like going back and correcting it. My head aches again, but I refuse to believe those 3 Vicodin are wearing off just yet. I still have a backup back of those old patches, plus some vodka, when W/D's hit...........I know they wont last forever, but it's something to keep my spirit up.
From here on out, I must find SOMETHING to keep each morning FUN. Help.
I was writing too fast and too crazy - I do not feel like going back and correcting it. My head aches again, but I refuse to believe those 3 Vicodin are wearing off just yet. I still have a backup back of those old patches, plus some vodka, when W/D's hit...........I know they wont last forever, but it's something to keep my spirit up.
From here on out, I must find SOMETHING to keep each morning FUN. Help.
11:42pm
My happy mind......my happy mind SAYS...
I will find JOY in things tomorrow. Those 3 Vicodin you took last night, is only 18-20mg. IT's nothing. You felt HAPPY b/c u WERE happy in your mind.
I wasn't that high. I was taking fake effects....It was BS. Drinking that grapefruit juice and stuff, that was bogus..I was striving for those effectrs
I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW I FELT....IN MY HOUSE.....IN PLANO.....ON CHRISPHTOPER LANE, WITH MY BIG BATHROOM....MY BIG BATHROOM.....HOW GOOOD I FELT. NO PILLS MICHELLE. NO PILLS. YOU FLEW ACROSSS THE WORLD NO PILLS. YOU HAD DESIRE. NO PILLS. NO MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING NO PILLS. TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NO PILLS. TOMORROW GET STARTED NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A DATE FOR NEXT WEEK NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A 2ND DATE FOR NEXT WEEK, NO PILLS. SET THOSE DATES, GET THAT MONEY, SET YOUR ASS STRAIGHT. BURY HER IN COURT AND GET YOUR OWN SHIT STRAIGHT. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. BURY HER BURY HER BURY HER. PROVE HER WRONG. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG AND SHE KNOWS IT. THATS WHY SHE GETS SO ANGRY. SHE KNOWS SHE RUINED 3 LIVES....3 LIVES 3 LIVES! SHE KNOWS.
Had to release that anger.
It is now 11:49pm. I hope I am not coming down to much. I know I am. Do not want to. Last few minues? Alreasdy took a few month ounces of vodka - NO FOOD in tummy, none, all day/ I'll be sick if I dont eat....gotta eat.......HOPE I FIND HAPINESS IN FOOD, LOVE FROM MY THAI, and (MAYBE) somone will be reading this??? If not, I hope to read over it MYSELF, and talk myself through the withdrawal. I've never withdrawed from opiates alone. Benzos ' (xanax and Klonopin, did it alone, not NEARLY AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS), withdrew off 10mg Methadone, no issues whatsoever...also withdrew off cocaine/meth back in 2004, and GHb in 2005 (believe it or not, only had to be hospilizied for GHB/alcohol). Coming off coke/meth is safe, but you will feel like ass. Coming off GHB (if you rake a cap every hour like I was going..), or coming off 1 Liter per day of vodha (again, I was being a complete dumbass). - Seek medical attention.
Alcohol and GHB are the only 2 drugs you can DIE from (doing an at-home withdrawal). Herion or pain pills....welcome to my blog. You won't die; but you will WANT TO DIE. I just took my last 3 Vicodin. I will be welcoming death come the morning.....esp since I took 2 or 3 extra shots of vodka to deal with my nervousness. On an empty stomach. I will probably hate life. No pills to "cure" me.
At least I have my 25mg of Phenergan. I will have that next to me. In case I feel ill. I may need it.
Who do I think I kid? I'll take it. It messes you up, a little. Make u tired.
I'll take it w/ my Topral. (my BP med). FML FML FML FMLFML
It's now bout midnight. I do not want to think about when I took those 3 vic's. And if I do, I want to keep pointint out to MYSELF...those 3 vics did NOT help u, You only helt better BECAUSE you "thought" you woudl feel better".'
i sincerely do believe that a lot of my issues are brought on by myself. my pain is real, however, i bet it is not desrving of 15 vicodin per day. *lightbulb*
since this may be the last happy post i make..................i love my cat. she is so sweet, and i hope to be able to enjoy time with her, just watching her. so many great movies to watch. so many TV shows i meant to watch but didnt. if i need to lock the door, i will. i will get thru this; this is TEMPORARY. i wll LEAD A LIFE WITHOUT ADDICTION. tonight was my 1st step.
i only took a few shots more. tomottow will be A-OK. lets do it!!
(
I will find JOY in things tomorrow. Those 3 Vicodin you took last night, is only 18-20mg. IT's nothing. You felt HAPPY b/c u WERE happy in your mind.
I wasn't that high. I was taking fake effects....It was BS. Drinking that grapefruit juice and stuff, that was bogus..I was striving for those effectrs
I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW I FELT....IN MY HOUSE.....IN PLANO.....ON CHRISPHTOPER LANE, WITH MY BIG BATHROOM....MY BIG BATHROOM.....HOW GOOOD I FELT. NO PILLS MICHELLE. NO PILLS. YOU FLEW ACROSSS THE WORLD NO PILLS. YOU HAD DESIRE. NO PILLS. NO MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING NO PILLS. TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NO PILLS. TOMORROW GET STARTED NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A DATE FOR NEXT WEEK NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A 2ND DATE FOR NEXT WEEK, NO PILLS. SET THOSE DATES, GET THAT MONEY, SET YOUR ASS STRAIGHT. BURY HER IN COURT AND GET YOUR OWN SHIT STRAIGHT. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. BURY HER BURY HER BURY HER. PROVE HER WRONG. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG AND SHE KNOWS IT. THATS WHY SHE GETS SO ANGRY. SHE KNOWS SHE RUINED 3 LIVES....3 LIVES 3 LIVES! SHE KNOWS.
Had to release that anger.
It is now 11:49pm. I hope I am not coming down to much. I know I am. Do not want to. Last few minues? Alreasdy took a few month ounces of vodka - NO FOOD in tummy, none, all day/ I'll be sick if I dont eat....gotta eat.......HOPE I FIND HAPINESS IN FOOD, LOVE FROM MY THAI, and (MAYBE) somone will be reading this??? If not, I hope to read over it MYSELF, and talk myself through the withdrawal. I've never withdrawed from opiates alone. Benzos ' (xanax and Klonopin, did it alone, not NEARLY AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS), withdrew off 10mg Methadone, no issues whatsoever...also withdrew off cocaine/meth back in 2004, and GHb in 2005 (believe it or not, only had to be hospilizied for GHB/alcohol). Coming off coke/meth is safe, but you will feel like ass. Coming off GHB (if you rake a cap every hour like I was going..), or coming off 1 Liter per day of vodha (again, I was being a complete dumbass). - Seek medical attention.
Alcohol and GHB are the only 2 drugs you can DIE from (doing an at-home withdrawal). Herion or pain pills....welcome to my blog. You won't die; but you will WANT TO DIE. I just took my last 3 Vicodin. I will be welcoming death come the morning.....esp since I took 2 or 3 extra shots of vodka to deal with my nervousness. On an empty stomach. I will probably hate life. No pills to "cure" me.
At least I have my 25mg of Phenergan. I will have that next to me. In case I feel ill. I may need it.
Who do I think I kid? I'll take it. It messes you up, a little. Make u tired.
I'll take it w/ my Topral. (my BP med). FML FML FML FMLFML
It's now bout midnight. I do not want to think about when I took those 3 vic's. And if I do, I want to keep pointint out to MYSELF...those 3 vics did NOT help u, You only helt better BECAUSE you "thought" you woudl feel better".'
i sincerely do believe that a lot of my issues are brought on by myself. my pain is real, however, i bet it is not desrving of 15 vicodin per day. *lightbulb*
since this may be the last happy post i make..................i love my cat. she is so sweet, and i hope to be able to enjoy time with her, just watching her. so many great movies to watch. so many TV shows i meant to watch but didnt. if i need to lock the door, i will. i will get thru this; this is TEMPORARY. i wll LEAD A LIFE WITHOUT ADDICTION. tonight was my 1st step.
i only took a few shots more. tomottow will be A-OK. lets do it!!
(
11:30pm
Been having fun posting on Fb and talkin w old friends.
Hope I still "feel" like it later.
Stupid is sicky. I should eat. Haven't really eaten all day. If I DONT eat, I will DEF be sick tomorrow.
ADDICT MIND SAYS.......show all pieces in my mouth whenever i wake up....smoke them if needed GOD.DAM. IT. AND.IT.WILL. WORK.
Why? CUz that is life. Life is...waking up with butterflies.
Butteflies that are HIGH.
Buterflies that get ME high. Fuck butterflies about others. Does it get ME high? Just tryin to be fair.
I had extra vodka tonight, but spaced out. 14oz perphaps, but even. I shouldn't be hurting too much, as long as I eat.
Haven't eaten all day - need to eat. NOW. dont wanna ruin high. Last one! Eating, babbling, spacin
on DCC, then night night......I DREAD the AM, I will not be hungover, but I dred waking up w/o a PILL....no no no nonono....
Hope I still "feel" like it later.
Stupid is sicky. I should eat. Haven't really eaten all day. If I DONT eat, I will DEF be sick tomorrow.
ADDICT MIND SAYS.......show all pieces in my mouth whenever i wake up....smoke them if needed GOD.DAM. IT. AND.IT.WILL. WORK.
Why? CUz that is life. Life is...waking up with butterflies.
Butteflies that are HIGH.
Buterflies that get ME high. Fuck butterflies about others. Does it get ME high? Just tryin to be fair.
I had extra vodka tonight, but spaced out. 14oz perphaps, but even. I shouldn't be hurting too much, as long as I eat.
Haven't eaten all day - need to eat. NOW. dont wanna ruin high. Last one! Eating, babbling, spacin
on DCC, then night night......I DREAD the AM, I will not be hungover, but I dred waking up w/o a PILL....no no no nonono....
10.42pm
posted my fave rap video on youtube.
Yep. I know. I feel it. Just now listening to "FABULOUS" by Fergie. Not just cuz its AWESOME, but BC it remind me of being high/drunk back in 200/08..ya, back when being hi or drunk was NOT really being drunk ( 2drinks? serious???). I miss those days.
Fuck me Gonna enjot this now, k thanks.
Taking 2 more oz of vodka. Gonna hurt tomm anyhow.
Yep. I know. I feel it. Just now listening to "FABULOUS" by Fergie. Not just cuz its AWESOME, but BC it remind me of being high/drunk back in 200/08..ya, back when being hi or drunk was NOT really being drunk ( 2drinks? serious???). I miss those days.
Fuck me Gonna enjot this now, k thanks.
Taking 2 more oz of vodka. Gonna hurt tomm anyhow.
Took them.
10:23pm.
Just swallowed the last 3 Vicodin I had. You'll be following me through hell for the next days few days. I'm about to download a few of my fave songs and shows, and ride this 'high' - which prob won't be much of....for the next few hrs... head is killing, as its been almost 11hrs since my dose.
See ya in a few hrs..you, journal, is all I have..
'
Just swallowed the last 3 Vicodin I had. You'll be following me through hell for the next days few days. I'm about to download a few of my fave songs and shows, and ride this 'high' - which prob won't be much of....for the next few hrs... head is killing, as its been almost 11hrs since my dose.
See ya in a few hrs..you, journal, is all I have..
'
As if things couldn't get worse...
I lost all communication on my Mac. This sent me into the living room....bored...where I encountered my Mother, who was already drunk on 1/2 a bottle of wine. She proceeded to beat the dead horse (on MANY topics), and then say, (WORD FOR WORD), "I don't love you". Yep. . she said it.
I just took 1 of 2 shots I had laid out for tonight. I also squeezed 1/2 a grapefruit, (for the fresh juice, whick will should potientate my LAST 3.5 Vicodin).
That's right - before I could even properly introduce you (or, MYSELF at a later date), to the hell I am about to experience, it comes to me first.
I've been taking 10-15 of these 7.5mg Hydrocodone's per day. And BEFORE you roll your eyes - yes, I have been on OxyContin, Fentanyl, etc for the past 2 yrs. I finally got onto 10mg Methadone tablets (this is all presecribed for my spinal deformaty). 10mg of Methadone was a lifesaver. Seriously. I HATE that my Dr put me back on Vicodin. 7.5mg why?????? Even 5mg Methadone per day was GREAT. No high whatsoever, but it help me out of pain, and my 1month of meds lasted me FOUR months.
Now, I am in the hell otherwise known as VICODIN. I was given my monthly supply on October 13th. On October 13th, they handed me 120 pills.
Today is October 20th. Almost October 21st. So, give or take, 120 pills lasted me 8 days.......Yeah, sounds crazy to (most) people....but I know there are people out there who understand...these amounts sound insane, but they are very real. I had to take 3-5 pills to feel ANYTHING, so I was taking that amount 3-4times per day (9-15 pills per day).
I have 3 pills left, almost 3.5. I actually am staring at them now. My last dose was at noon. It's now 10pm.....my last 3 pills have been TAUNTING ME.
I CURSE THEM. I feel psycho, looking at them......why why why..why cant I just have 1 more days worth? Just one. Ok, just 1/2 a day. Just ONE DOSE!!!! Just enough to "feel it". Please? I'd probably make a deal with the GODDAMN DEVIL right now.
Which, apparently - I am doing. I am staring at it. 3 pills....plus a tiny mound of dust, amounting to maybe 1/8 of a pill. I LITERALLY squeezed fresh grapejuice out of a REAL grapefruit, as that is supposed to heighten the high. INSANE, since there really hasnt been a high lately. At all. My dosing got too high.
It's over. I know I will take these 3 soon. I will feel the world CAVE IN ON ME when I do. I will have no 'excited, butterflies in the stomach' feeling, the way i did, when i woke up, and knew that within a few min, i was gonna poppa some pills and feel HIGH AS HELL.
Now, I will feel pain. Nausea, headaches......who will want to wake uP?????????
I just took 1 of 2 shots I had laid out for tonight. I also squeezed 1/2 a grapefruit, (for the fresh juice, whick will should potientate my LAST 3.5 Vicodin).
That's right - before I could even properly introduce you (or, MYSELF at a later date), to the hell I am about to experience, it comes to me first.
I've been taking 10-15 of these 7.5mg Hydrocodone's per day. And BEFORE you roll your eyes - yes, I have been on OxyContin, Fentanyl, etc for the past 2 yrs. I finally got onto 10mg Methadone tablets (this is all presecribed for my spinal deformaty). 10mg of Methadone was a lifesaver. Seriously. I HATE that my Dr put me back on Vicodin. 7.5mg why?????? Even 5mg Methadone per day was GREAT. No high whatsoever, but it help me out of pain, and my 1month of meds lasted me FOUR months.
Now, I am in the hell otherwise known as VICODIN. I was given my monthly supply on October 13th. On October 13th, they handed me 120 pills.
Today is October 20th. Almost October 21st. So, give or take, 120 pills lasted me 8 days.......Yeah, sounds crazy to (most) people....but I know there are people out there who understand...these amounts sound insane, but they are very real. I had to take 3-5 pills to feel ANYTHING, so I was taking that amount 3-4times per day (9-15 pills per day).
I have 3 pills left, almost 3.5. I actually am staring at them now. My last dose was at noon. It's now 10pm.....my last 3 pills have been TAUNTING ME.
I CURSE THEM. I feel psycho, looking at them......why why why..why cant I just have 1 more days worth? Just one. Ok, just 1/2 a day. Just ONE DOSE!!!! Just enough to "feel it". Please? I'd probably make a deal with the GODDAMN DEVIL right now.
Which, apparently - I am doing. I am staring at it. 3 pills....plus a tiny mound of dust, amounting to maybe 1/8 of a pill. I LITERALLY squeezed fresh grapejuice out of a REAL grapefruit, as that is supposed to heighten the high. INSANE, since there really hasnt been a high lately. At all. My dosing got too high.
It's over. I know I will take these 3 soon. I will feel the world CAVE IN ON ME when I do. I will have no 'excited, butterflies in the stomach' feeling, the way i did, when i woke up, and knew that within a few min, i was gonna poppa some pills and feel HIGH AS HELL.
Now, I will feel pain. Nausea, headaches......who will want to wake uP?????????
Look....this is how it is.
WHY
There is a good chance that no one other than myself with ever read this blog. However, if someone does - maybe this can be of help. I know that I read a lot of personal stories of addiction and recovery, while I was deep into my own. In fact, I almost found it to be fun. Sick, eh?
How Much Am I Taking?
This blog is going to be my drug, my warm blanket, my safety - over the next few weeks. By tommorrow, I will be in withdrawal. I am preparing to experience pure hell, perhaps more than I ever have before. I have been on opiots since 2008. I suffer from a serious spinal deformity, and when I first caught a warm, fuzzy feeling from the pain medication I was prescibed (daily life started becoming difficult to do, without pain),
I will be living life opiate-free as of sometime tomorrow. I have been on opiates (and alcohol), since 2007/2008, beginning with 5mg Vicodin, and ending in Fentanyl patches, Oxycontin, and 10mg Methadone tablets (all prescribed by my pain Dr, who will be calling me in another #120 script of Vicodin on November 11th - but alas, 11/11 is too far away, and I have taken a month's worth of those pills in less than 10 days. Yes, you read that right. To most people, you
I have been on Vicodin, followed by Percocet, Fentanyl, OxyContin, Methadone - for the past 2 years. I have never gone more than 18 hours without something in my system, since 2008. Today is October 21st, 20111. My 31st birthday is October 30th, 2011. Interesting factoid...I never used drugs until I hit 25 years old. In fact, I had never even touched alchol until my 24th birthday. Boy, I sure did see to "make up" for time lost.....*disgust*.
There is a good chance that no one other than myself with ever read this blog. However, if someone does - maybe this can be of help. I know that I read a lot of personal stories of addiction and recovery, while I was deep into my own. In fact, I almost found it to be fun. Sick, eh?
How Much Am I Taking?
This blog is going to be my drug, my warm blanket, my safety - over the next few weeks. By tommorrow, I will be in withdrawal. I am preparing to experience pure hell, perhaps more than I ever have before. I have been on opiots since 2008. I suffer from a serious spinal deformity, and when I first caught a warm, fuzzy feeling from the pain medication I was prescibed (daily life started becoming difficult to do, without pain),
I will be living life opiate-free as of sometime tomorrow. I have been on opiates (and alcohol), since 2007/2008, beginning with 5mg Vicodin, and ending in Fentanyl patches, Oxycontin, and 10mg Methadone tablets (all prescribed by my pain Dr, who will be calling me in another #120 script of Vicodin on November 11th - but alas, 11/11 is too far away, and I have taken a month's worth of those pills in less than 10 days. Yes, you read that right. To most people, you
I have been on Vicodin, followed by Percocet, Fentanyl, OxyContin, Methadone - for the past 2 years. I have never gone more than 18 hours without something in my system, since 2008. Today is October 21st, 20111. My 31st birthday is October 30th, 2011. Interesting factoid...I never used drugs until I hit 25 years old. In fact, I had never even touched alchol until my 24th birthday. Boy, I sure did see to "make up" for time lost.....*disgust*.
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