Confessions.

Not sure how many days it has even been, but what a mess. It got a lot worse and I 'replased' the day before yesterday, drinking a bottle of wine. In all honesty, I was still detoxing - since my normal alcohol intake is more like 8-11oz of straight vodka per day, sipping wine didn't do shit. Well, mentally it helped, but physically, I just felt like more ass the next morning. By the end of the next day, I found another bottle and drank that too - again, stupid to do, didn't get a buzz, etc. And last night, after not drinking for maybe 18 hours, my heart was beating so hard and I couldn't breathe. I had been sweating all day/night and shook and shook. I got really desperate and drank this DISGUSTING sweet VERMOUTH. It's almost 20% alcohol, so after a few big sips, I finally got my heart rate down and put it away. I know that due to all of these little, 'cheats', I cannot say I'm sober, but I know for a fact, I am still detoxing, 2oz of vermouth or not. I almost threw up a few times last night, my Mom got so worried she gave me two of her Xanax (only 0.25mgs) - she NEVER does that for me, so that was nice of her. I hadn't eaten since FRIDAY, and yesterday was Thursday. Once I took that Xanax and a few sips of vermouth I finally, finally, finally got myself to eat and drink some water. I am not justifying it, I feel guilty - but today is a new day. I actually woke up this AM and still felt hungry, so that has to be good.

Part II of my confession - I got a new pair of contacts out of their box last night, and inside, I found a piece of plastic with 4-5 NEW strips of one of my old Fent patches. I nearly fell over. I hadn't had any pain meds in days and days and was losing it. I immediatly put two smaller strips in my cheek and within 20 min I started sweating and almost vomited. I guess my tolerance has already gone down, so that freaked me. I cut the patch pieces in 1/2 (they r already small, but apparently not small enough!). I intend to use them when needed, they won't last until Nov. 11th, but at least it's like a tiny "crutch". I guess similar to knowing that I have/had that vermouth, even though I am going to try REALLY hard not to drink it again. We'll see.

I haven't been outside in days. I sweat constantly and it's disgusting. I spent most of yesterday laying on the floor in my Mom's (home) office, just crying and feeling like dying. So if I feel like that AFTER having wine the night before, what happens when I go 24, 36, 48 hrs without A DROP? Will I get sick all over? I'd  kill for my DOC (vodka). But then again, it's more like vodka would kill ME. And I'd prob go crazy and get drunk fast and then be sick. Withdrawing from daily alcohol and 3.5 years of DAILY pain meds, is a double-whammy that I knew would suck, but not this bad. And again, I even cheated a little, so how the f*ck do people do this with ZERO assistance? It's almost a suicidal feeling b/c you feel SOOOOOOOO nasty.


I'm supposed to go to an AA meeting today. I'll kind of feel like a cheat, esp since I'm sure I'll bring a tiny piece of Fent with me to make it out.But those will be gone soon, so I might as well go and listen to these AA ppl, so that I can cope. I really don't want to cheat again, esp with the vermouth, not even an ounce....but I digress...I'm an addict, so I can't say I won't. I also feel like there is no way I'm not just gonna go pick up that huge bottle of Vicodin on the 11th. If I make it that far, maybe I won't want to. But I also hate living in pain and can't stand for more than an hour, which makes life suck too...

Oh, what a mess I've made of my life.

Thank God I'm still here though. There are a few things I do know. Today, I won't be drunk. And today, I won't be popping 4-5 Vicodin 3x's a day, like I was doing. Maybe next week I can say even better things.

I spent about 4 hours a night on the phone with a friend of mine, for the past 3 nights. He is so great to me, he is really pulling for me. He's like 50, so he is more of a Dad to me, since mine is 1200 miles away. He is quitting smoking as of last night - that was the promise we had. The day I quit drinking, he had to quit smoking. I wonder if he'll do it. I took him that I cheated with the vermouth, but he is still quitting, he says....

DAZED.

Last 2 days...total daze. Haven't eaten since Friday.


I guess I made some phone calls during the night but do not recall. I believe I AM hallucinating. I can't walk straight (hitting walls, ect), and I have slept for hours and hours and hours...........don't want to be here.



This is the first time since 2009 that my body has been clean of pills AND booze. I want to die.

Yawn. Sneeze. Yawn. Sneeze. Repeat.

Wow, I just woke up again from a deep sleep (did NOT take any Xanax and had barely drank). It's 7pm......crazy how much I am sleeping these past 36 hours. I know some of it was due to those doses of Xanax, even though they would be considered small to most people (0.75mg the first time, 0.50 the second time).


I've been sneezing like hell - I think I remember reading somewhere that that is part of w/d. Stuffy/runny  nose. But mainly just that URGE to PUNCH my LEGS. They are restless as hell, and make me wanna saw them off (promise I won't). Awoke just now, wanting to murder my right leg. Some tension in my arms. Still no appetite whatsoever, which sucks, bc my stomach and whole system needs food. No water either. I've drank (watered down) alcohol throughout this W/D, I think that has kept me sane. In fact, it's time for some more watery rum/Coke. I drink it watered down, b/c the LAST THING I NEED is a hangover, on top of W/D.

I highly recommend some watered down alcohol though - it does, I repeat, DOES help. And of course, Xanax, if you can get it. Even a small dose, like what I mentioned, (0.5mg even).


It's getting dark now...that means nightfall is on it's way, and tomorrow will be Monday. With my last substainstal dose of Vicodin being at 11pm on Fri night, I wonder if by Monday, I will have the worst gone?

I now hear the garage door opening. No longer will I have the house to myself. Xanax will soon be found 'missing', and I wonder if I will have a place to sleep tonight...(tomorrow?). At least I got through these 36-48 hours....I hope to God this was the tough part????

Day 2..almost over.

I need a shower, badly. I feel disgusting, yet I don't think I have the energy. I just made myself a sandwich in the kitchen, and even though I haven't eaten since early Friday (today is Sunday...4pm), I STILL am not hungry :( The cold air coming out of the fridge made me shake, and I wanted to kick something...the anger is back. I need a shot, or something. The anger is unreal - the craving for a high. I REALLY don't want food....but who goes from Fri til Sun without any fuel? Should I make myself eat? I wanna barf. Yet, there would nothing TO barf.....do I sleep more? I'm sweating like crazy.

OMG...

I just read some of the things I posted on Friday night, after I took those last 3 pills and washed them down with like...10oz of vodka.

I had no idea how utterly random and insane I sounded. Ouch. Embarrassing to read that. :-(

By the way...

I haven't showered in......days. And I still wanna punch the sh*t outta my legs, esp my right leg. I'm also sweating like no one's business. Sexy, eh????

Wow...

I took my last real dose at 11pm on Friday night. So I am going on 48 hours. Holy hell, I really don't wish this on ANYONE, although it's not a, "call 911" issue, as I thought it would be. I did find that 1.5 pills on Sat morning...not sure if that even helped, but I tried to keep some pieces in my mouth during the afternoon.

 (negliatable).

I had plans for last night (Sat night) - yeah right. I took 3 of those 0.25 mg Xanax around 3 or 4pm, and did not wake up until 8:45pm!!!!!!!!!!! Unreal.  I NEVER sleep for more than 1-2 hours, even with my pils and alcohol. I ALWAYS WAKE UP. This time, no game....literally. I miss my dinner date - tried to call the guy, he never answered. Maybe he thinks I blew him off. Even tried this afternoon...no answer.

Aside from that, when I did awaken at 8:45pm, I thought I also had missed my big game..OU vs Texas Tech..the universe must've been working FOR me...b/c lo and behold...there was a rain delay, and the instead of starting at 7:15pm, it started RIGHT when I woke up (8:45pm). I watched some, then hit DVR, and passed back out.

FITFUL sleep...had to pop another 0.50mg Xanax. I tossed, (LITERALLY tossed, swinging back and forth, between no sheet, sheets, heavy comforter, NO comforter...could NOT decide if I was freezing or sweating...ALLLLLLL night).. Had 2 fans on me, then 1, then none, then 2. BE PREPARED. Do not attempt to detox off 3 years of contant pain medication to ZERO, without some Xanax, a full weekend of NOTHING to do, and ALCOHOL to stop the shakes and anxiety. I probably drank 2-4oz of vodka every few hours. However, I did not feel "drunk" at any point, it only "evened" me out.

The arm/leg twiches are the worst. I literally sucker-punched my (right leg especially, throughtout the night. So doped up from the Xanax (I have zero benzo tolerance mind you, if you do have a Benzo tolerance, plan to double or triple your dose of that). I have not eaten in 2,5 days, other than some pieces of beef jerky and 2 bites of a TV dinner (YUCK). I assume this is normal.

I do NOT handle caffiene (cannot even managae a Coca-Cola without getting nervous), but I have downed 2 of those Bayer Aspirin Crystal packets - each containing 65mg caffeine). After the first, I still conked out. Just took a 2nd and thats prob why I am finally lucid enough to type.

Still home alone....Mother will be home later, with her cheesy, disgusting boyfriend, who is staying overnight. I am upset about this, as I am not sure how night #2 will go. I have three 0,25 xanax left....and even though I know that I will pay dearly for 'stealing' those, I had/have no choice. I MUST get through this - this has been 3 straight years of DAILY vicodin, perc, Fent, Oxy.........I am doing something HUGE right now.....so, I disgress...

ANOTHER 24hrs, and perhaps I will stop beating the shit out of my "jumpy" limbs. No diherrra yet, thankGod. Actually PAIN is not bad as expected. Those Bayer crystals help I think.....

My GOD, if I can do this, you can too....