So, I came into a handful of 0.25mg's. Just took 3. That'll be 0.75.....just under a mg. I really hope it helps. I have an awful headache above my left eye, and I feel EXTREMELY IRATE. No one is even home, and I want to throw something or punch someone. I crave the Vicodin so badly, it hurts my head. My tooth is aching now too (filling fell out last week). NO appetite.
Just poured a shot and a drink, to down with these Xanax. I hope I feel something. I have realized now, how desperate I am just to get 'high'. There may no longer be pain killers in the house, but dammit if I won't find SOMETHING to 'feel'. Wow. I really am fucked up.
The Xanax will be missed come tomorrow or the next day, I may even lose my place to live, from taking them...but I needed it. Too shaky, too sick and icky to NOT take them....I feel bad, but I need it. Sowwee.
Not sure if tonight will fly or not. Supposed to have guy friend over. With the Xanax, I can probably keep myself "normal" (I hope?). Was gonna grill steak - sad when I realized there is none. *sigh*. Would have been a small pleasure in an otherwise SHIT DAY. I hope I make it through this. Well...I have to make it. I don't get my refill till Nov 11th, which might as well be 2 years away, b/c I will have fully detoxed by then, as that is 20 days away (LOL!!! You gotta be kidding me). At least I will get high as hell when I take those first 4. That I know. I at least, during the darkest hours to come, can look forward to that.
Wow, again - I am really messed up with this thinking pattern. I should fully detox and then never touch them again. My addict mind doesn't care tho.....damn it.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Almost lunchtime.
Made it to noon (almosr). Just found several pieces that had been stuck under my bed or on carpet. I can still taste medicine, so I know there is enough. I feel better, mentally, knowing they are in my mouth and are giving me SOMETHING. Still have 25mg Phenergan for tonight or tomorrow, or whenever.
Was such a rough night/early morning, with Mom drunk and she told me, "I just don't love you."
WHO tells her daughter that? If she only knew what I go through...... She is a bad person, I do believe...
Was such a rough night/early morning, with Mom drunk and she told me, "I just don't love you."
WHO tells her daughter that? If she only knew what I go through...... She is a bad person, I do believe...
Tonight.
As always, I have GREAT timing. I should have set aside a dose (Even my last), for tonight, but nooooo....I just love to do things the hard way. I am having a guy over tonight - we've known each other for years and have seen seeing each other randomly since last year. Just last week, we started going out and spending time together 2-3x's a week ----- something I've wanted for a long time. I hope I am handling things OK. I feel OK now. Maybe I should sleep more? I need to eat. I barely ate yesterday. I still find my mind wandering...want to keep 'searching' for pills I hid. I Think I found them all. *sigh*. I can do this. Plus, I need to keep in mind...I get a whole new bottle on 11/11. Maybe I'll take THOSE responsibily! Doubtful tho..I never have control...
Morning. Day 1.
I woke up at 630am, scared and sick. I drank extra last night, wanting to perk up those last pills. It worked, but I have a bit of a hangover. Haven't had a hangover in weeks...actually, MONTHS. This morning was not AS bad as I thought tho, I FOUND 1.5 pills and immediatly took that + 25mg of Phenergan. I also have my pieces in my mouth. So, mentally, I am OK. Watching some favorite shows online...may even eat. I recommend a dose of Phenergan (for nausea), and 1 or 2 pills TO PUT ASIDE for morning #1, for those of you who decide to get off pills......it made me feel better, probably most MENTALLY, since I'm sure 1.5 pills doesn't do much as far as W/D....Mentally tho, it helped ease my fear. I also made a drink this AM, to stave off that hangover. GO small tho. 1-2 oz.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Scared to Sleep.
It's 12:33am.
I was writing too fast and too crazy - I do not feel like going back and correcting it. My head aches again, but I refuse to believe those 3 Vicodin are wearing off just yet. I still have a backup back of those old patches, plus some vodka, when W/D's hit...........I know they wont last forever, but it's something to keep my spirit up.
From here on out, I must find SOMETHING to keep each morning FUN. Help.
I was writing too fast and too crazy - I do not feel like going back and correcting it. My head aches again, but I refuse to believe those 3 Vicodin are wearing off just yet. I still have a backup back of those old patches, plus some vodka, when W/D's hit...........I know they wont last forever, but it's something to keep my spirit up.
From here on out, I must find SOMETHING to keep each morning FUN. Help.
11:42pm
My happy mind......my happy mind SAYS...
I will find JOY in things tomorrow. Those 3 Vicodin you took last night, is only 18-20mg. IT's nothing. You felt HAPPY b/c u WERE happy in your mind.
I wasn't that high. I was taking fake effects....It was BS. Drinking that grapefruit juice and stuff, that was bogus..I was striving for those effectrs
I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW I FELT....IN MY HOUSE.....IN PLANO.....ON CHRISPHTOPER LANE, WITH MY BIG BATHROOM....MY BIG BATHROOM.....HOW GOOOD I FELT. NO PILLS MICHELLE. NO PILLS. YOU FLEW ACROSSS THE WORLD NO PILLS. YOU HAD DESIRE. NO PILLS. NO MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING NO PILLS. TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NO PILLS. TOMORROW GET STARTED NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A DATE FOR NEXT WEEK NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A 2ND DATE FOR NEXT WEEK, NO PILLS. SET THOSE DATES, GET THAT MONEY, SET YOUR ASS STRAIGHT. BURY HER IN COURT AND GET YOUR OWN SHIT STRAIGHT. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. BURY HER BURY HER BURY HER. PROVE HER WRONG. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG AND SHE KNOWS IT. THATS WHY SHE GETS SO ANGRY. SHE KNOWS SHE RUINED 3 LIVES....3 LIVES 3 LIVES! SHE KNOWS.
Had to release that anger.
It is now 11:49pm. I hope I am not coming down to much. I know I am. Do not want to. Last few minues? Alreasdy took a few month ounces of vodka - NO FOOD in tummy, none, all day/ I'll be sick if I dont eat....gotta eat.......HOPE I FIND HAPINESS IN FOOD, LOVE FROM MY THAI, and (MAYBE) somone will be reading this??? If not, I hope to read over it MYSELF, and talk myself through the withdrawal. I've never withdrawed from opiates alone. Benzos ' (xanax and Klonopin, did it alone, not NEARLY AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS), withdrew off 10mg Methadone, no issues whatsoever...also withdrew off cocaine/meth back in 2004, and GHb in 2005 (believe it or not, only had to be hospilizied for GHB/alcohol). Coming off coke/meth is safe, but you will feel like ass. Coming off GHB (if you rake a cap every hour like I was going..), or coming off 1 Liter per day of vodha (again, I was being a complete dumbass). - Seek medical attention.
Alcohol and GHB are the only 2 drugs you can DIE from (doing an at-home withdrawal). Herion or pain pills....welcome to my blog. You won't die; but you will WANT TO DIE. I just took my last 3 Vicodin. I will be welcoming death come the morning.....esp since I took 2 or 3 extra shots of vodka to deal with my nervousness. On an empty stomach. I will probably hate life. No pills to "cure" me.
At least I have my 25mg of Phenergan. I will have that next to me. In case I feel ill. I may need it.
Who do I think I kid? I'll take it. It messes you up, a little. Make u tired.
I'll take it w/ my Topral. (my BP med). FML FML FML FMLFML
It's now bout midnight. I do not want to think about when I took those 3 vic's. And if I do, I want to keep pointint out to MYSELF...those 3 vics did NOT help u, You only helt better BECAUSE you "thought" you woudl feel better".'
i sincerely do believe that a lot of my issues are brought on by myself. my pain is real, however, i bet it is not desrving of 15 vicodin per day. *lightbulb*
since this may be the last happy post i make..................i love my cat. she is so sweet, and i hope to be able to enjoy time with her, just watching her. so many great movies to watch. so many TV shows i meant to watch but didnt. if i need to lock the door, i will. i will get thru this; this is TEMPORARY. i wll LEAD A LIFE WITHOUT ADDICTION. tonight was my 1st step.
i only took a few shots more. tomottow will be A-OK. lets do it!!
(
I will find JOY in things tomorrow. Those 3 Vicodin you took last night, is only 18-20mg. IT's nothing. You felt HAPPY b/c u WERE happy in your mind.
I wasn't that high. I was taking fake effects....It was BS. Drinking that grapefruit juice and stuff, that was bogus..I was striving for those effectrs
I WANT TO REMEMBER HOW I FELT....IN MY HOUSE.....IN PLANO.....ON CHRISPHTOPER LANE, WITH MY BIG BATHROOM....MY BIG BATHROOM.....HOW GOOOD I FELT. NO PILLS MICHELLE. NO PILLS. YOU FLEW ACROSSS THE WORLD NO PILLS. YOU HAD DESIRE. NO PILLS. NO MADE SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING NO PILLS. TOMORROW IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE NO PILLS. TOMORROW GET STARTED NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A DATE FOR NEXT WEEK NO PILLS. TOMORROW, SET A 2ND DATE FOR NEXT WEEK, NO PILLS. SET THOSE DATES, GET THAT MONEY, SET YOUR ASS STRAIGHT. BURY HER IN COURT AND GET YOUR OWN SHIT STRAIGHT. YOU ARE NOT THAT FAR BEHIND. BURY HER BURY HER BURY HER. PROVE HER WRONG. WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG AND SHE KNOWS IT. THATS WHY SHE GETS SO ANGRY. SHE KNOWS SHE RUINED 3 LIVES....3 LIVES 3 LIVES! SHE KNOWS.
Had to release that anger.
It is now 11:49pm. I hope I am not coming down to much. I know I am. Do not want to. Last few minues? Alreasdy took a few month ounces of vodka - NO FOOD in tummy, none, all day/ I'll be sick if I dont eat....gotta eat.......HOPE I FIND HAPINESS IN FOOD, LOVE FROM MY THAI, and (MAYBE) somone will be reading this??? If not, I hope to read over it MYSELF, and talk myself through the withdrawal. I've never withdrawed from opiates alone. Benzos ' (xanax and Klonopin, did it alone, not NEARLY AS BAD AS EVERYONE SAYS), withdrew off 10mg Methadone, no issues whatsoever...also withdrew off cocaine/meth back in 2004, and GHb in 2005 (believe it or not, only had to be hospilizied for GHB/alcohol). Coming off coke/meth is safe, but you will feel like ass. Coming off GHB (if you rake a cap every hour like I was going..), or coming off 1 Liter per day of vodha (again, I was being a complete dumbass). - Seek medical attention.
Alcohol and GHB are the only 2 drugs you can DIE from (doing an at-home withdrawal). Herion or pain pills....welcome to my blog. You won't die; but you will WANT TO DIE. I just took my last 3 Vicodin. I will be welcoming death come the morning.....esp since I took 2 or 3 extra shots of vodka to deal with my nervousness. On an empty stomach. I will probably hate life. No pills to "cure" me.
At least I have my 25mg of Phenergan. I will have that next to me. In case I feel ill. I may need it.
Who do I think I kid? I'll take it. It messes you up, a little. Make u tired.
I'll take it w/ my Topral. (my BP med). FML FML FML FMLFML
It's now bout midnight. I do not want to think about when I took those 3 vic's. And if I do, I want to keep pointint out to MYSELF...those 3 vics did NOT help u, You only helt better BECAUSE you "thought" you woudl feel better".'
i sincerely do believe that a lot of my issues are brought on by myself. my pain is real, however, i bet it is not desrving of 15 vicodin per day. *lightbulb*
since this may be the last happy post i make..................i love my cat. she is so sweet, and i hope to be able to enjoy time with her, just watching her. so many great movies to watch. so many TV shows i meant to watch but didnt. if i need to lock the door, i will. i will get thru this; this is TEMPORARY. i wll LEAD A LIFE WITHOUT ADDICTION. tonight was my 1st step.
i only took a few shots more. tomottow will be A-OK. lets do it!!
(
11:30pm
Been having fun posting on Fb and talkin w old friends.
Hope I still "feel" like it later.
Stupid is sicky. I should eat. Haven't really eaten all day. If I DONT eat, I will DEF be sick tomorrow.
ADDICT MIND SAYS.......show all pieces in my mouth whenever i wake up....smoke them if needed GOD.DAM. IT. AND.IT.WILL. WORK.
Why? CUz that is life. Life is...waking up with butterflies.
Butteflies that are HIGH.
Buterflies that get ME high. Fuck butterflies about others. Does it get ME high? Just tryin to be fair.
I had extra vodka tonight, but spaced out. 14oz perphaps, but even. I shouldn't be hurting too much, as long as I eat.
Haven't eaten all day - need to eat. NOW. dont wanna ruin high. Last one! Eating, babbling, spacin
on DCC, then night night......I DREAD the AM, I will not be hungover, but I dred waking up w/o a PILL....no no no nonono....
Hope I still "feel" like it later.
Stupid is sicky. I should eat. Haven't really eaten all day. If I DONT eat, I will DEF be sick tomorrow.
ADDICT MIND SAYS.......show all pieces in my mouth whenever i wake up....smoke them if needed GOD.DAM. IT. AND.IT.WILL. WORK.
Why? CUz that is life. Life is...waking up with butterflies.
Butteflies that are HIGH.
Buterflies that get ME high. Fuck butterflies about others. Does it get ME high? Just tryin to be fair.
I had extra vodka tonight, but spaced out. 14oz perphaps, but even. I shouldn't be hurting too much, as long as I eat.
Haven't eaten all day - need to eat. NOW. dont wanna ruin high. Last one! Eating, babbling, spacin
on DCC, then night night......I DREAD the AM, I will not be hungover, but I dred waking up w/o a PILL....no no no nonono....
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